We’re not letting this little blip in the market stop us from keeping up with the Joneses! Here is our first installment in a series on how to remain a brand obsessed, self-centered, consumer during a national crisis
USE SAWZALL AND HAMMER TO GET RIGHT DIMENSIONS
Now there’s time to catch up on the important shit we’ve been missing– the new Black Lips album
. That chick who looks like the woman who had the octuplets becoming an actor
,WTF? And that promised bipartisanship
that we’ve been waiting for.
GOD BLESS THE USA!!!!!
Just Cause I Look Like A Dude Doesn't Mean I Am
Chris Brown, master of single sylabble oh’s and ah’s, didn’t make it to the Grammys last night. Instead he was picked up by LA police for making “criminal threats”and is being investigated for the more serious, and less startling,
accusation that he has been hitting equally talented phonetic acrobat, Rihanna. (see: Bom-Bom-Be-Dum.)
We want to take a moment to explain to Chris Brown that although Rihanna’s haircut as of late leads one to suspect she is in fact male, hitting a girl who looks like a guy is still like hitting a guy only it’s a girl. Which is a nice way to say you don’t hit women dickface!
He never made it to the Grammy Awards stage, but Chris Brown’s performance Sunday could become an example of how to wreck one’s career in record time.
We don’t think “career” is the right word, it implies longevity in one field of work. And while we won’t compare winning the lottery to lasting long in the music industry we will analogize it to catching heterosexual HIV.
There is a chance, but it’s hard.
So see you later Chris Brown, we hope.
Why is this news?
Phelps looks and acts like every other college kid who sits around trying intentionally to postpone the inevitable monotony that his life as a mortgage broker is guaranteed to become by smoking pot and laughing at things they think are far out.
This clip is probably a fair indicator of what the Michael Phelps is like most of the time when a camera is not on him.
And, although we wouldn’t want to hang out with him, Michael Phelps seems like a decent guy. He’s a dude’s dude– the kind who keeps Maxim in print. He has boys, and they hang and watch sports, and commiserate on why the chicks who won’t f them are lesbians. Or whatever!!!
“He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go.
“Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”
The most tiring(and unfortunate) aspect of what will(quickly) become Michael Phelps future demise is the myth we have created around this kid, so that a picture of him hanging out and getting high has jeopardized his career. We are constantly shocked here by the douche-bags who’ve decided that the most humane way to ruin someone is to give them superhuman qualities. We assume that people in the spotlight aren’t people– that their single purpose is to set examples that us regular folks can never live up to. When those expectations are not met– or even worse our hero’s flash signs of human weakness– us wolves eat them alive.