Tag Archives: culture

Everytime we try to look young we only look like petterists

We were considering some spring clothes and realized every time we try to buy new gear, we’re really just shooting to turn back the clock, to shave off a few years without losing the emotional maturity: we want to look younger, cooler, and a little more carefree. But us adults fuck it up with big kid problems.
We’re either trying to desperately repress our childhood, so that when Nancy from work offers to have a cat-free night out, we don’t know how to dress for the situation:
picture-11
What’s worse, and what we think we suffer from here at Douchebag Danceoff, is the piss-in-the-wind struggle of not being able to put our youth to sleep. We’re rewriting our life so that it sounds more exciting and we had more friends than we actually did. But youth is reserved for the young and every time we try to dress up for as something we think will recapture our childhood, we wind up looking like unappreciated child molesters.

We Look Like We're Riding The Dream Crush Express

We Look Like We're Riding The Dream Crush Express


From Keepa

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Uncoolhunting: Websites About Achievements Made While On Drugs

We love websites that are devoted to drugs– they break the myth that drugs make people unambitious. We especially like the type of sites that discuss great feats achieved by people while on drugs. It’s almost as if by finding people out there who have contributed to society while using the same drug that has made the webmasters life fall apart, it justifies why it’s okay for the webmasters life to have fallen apart.
Some Kid Is Using Me As An Excuse
via SIR BACON

Here are some links to Doc Ellis’ story of pitching a no hitter on acid.
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Uncoolhunting: Oh No, Twice In One Week!!!


Has YouTube struck a deal with failed songwriters who now make educational music? A few days ago on their Featured Videos section there was the Presidential Rap ( we keep fucking up the rhyme at Truman). In “Twin Prime Conjecture” an Adam Carolla look-a-like does a bouncy dead-on Elvis Costello bit. And while we’re not sure if the comparison will get anything other than people deciding to never come back to this site, we’re so worried now about learningcore or edo becoming an interminable trend that our ability to write has been squelched. We think anything else worth saying was left as a simple message under the video:
From YouTube user kissmybuttdimple:

a true vision of hell…. this video makes me hate math…. and piano’s…..two things i used to really admire.

Our thoughts exactly.

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Grandmaster Flash’s “The Message” Reconsidered


Like most people in gagglefuck situations, we look to the past in order to inform us with some type of schematic as to how we can remedy the present. 1982’s “The Message” is so concurrent with our present social/economic narrative that it becomes an eerie prophecy tune. We took links to a shitload of stuff we’ve been bombarded with by the media( mainly against our will) recently and connected them to the song. We’re not so sure if it’s a cool idea or not– spend some time clicking on the stories and listen to the song and let us know what you think.

“The Message”

Broken glass everywhere

People pissing on the stairs , you know they just
Dont care I cant take the smell , I cant take the noise
Got no money to move out , I guess I got no choice
Rats in the front room, roaches in the back
Junkies in the alley with a baseball bat
I tried to get away , but I couldnt get far
Cause the man with the tow-truck repossessed my car
Chorus:
Dont push me, cause Im close to the edge

Im trying not to loose my head

Its like a jungle sometimes , it makes me wonder
How I keep from going under

Standing on the front stoop,hangin out the window
Watchingall the cars go by, roaring as the breezes
Blow
Crazy lady , livin in a bag
Eating out of garbage piles, used to be a fag-hag
Search and test a tango, skips the life and then go
To search a prince to see the last of senses
Down at the peepshow , watching all the creeps
So she can tell the stories to the girls back home
She went to the city and got so so so ditty
She had to get a pimp , she couldnt make it on her
Own

Chorus:
Its like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder
How I keep from goin under

My brothers doing fast on my mothers t.v.
Says she watches to much, is just not healthy
All my children in the daytime, dallas at night
Cant even see the game or the sugar ray fight
Bill collectors they ring my phone
And scare my wife when Im not home
Got a bum education , double-digitinflation
Cant take thetrain to the job , theres a strike
At the station
Me on king kong standin on my back
Cant stop to turn around, broke my sacroiliac
Midrange, migraine, cancered membrane
Sometimes I think Im going insane , I swear I might
Hijack a plane!

Chorus:
Its like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder
How I keep from goin under

My son said daddy I dont wanna go to school
Cause the teachers a jerk, he must think Im a Fool
And all the kids smoke reefer , I think itd be Cheaper
If I just got a job , learned to be a street sweeper
I dance to the beat, shuffle my feet
Wear a shirt and tie and run with the creeps
Cause its all about money , aint a damn thing funny
You got to have a con in this land of milk and Honey
I cant walk through the park, cause its crazy after the dark
Keep myhand on the gun , cause they got me on the
Run
I feel like an outlaw, broke my last fast jaw
Hear them say you want some more, livin on a
Seesaw

A child was born , with no state of mind
Blind to the ways of mankind
God is smiling on you buthes frowning too
Cause only God knows what you go through
You grow in the ghetto , living second rate
And your eyes will sing a song of deep hate
The places you play and where you stay
Looks like one great big alley way
Youll admire all the number book takers
Thugs ,pimps , pushers and the big money makers
Driving big cars , spending twenties and tens
And you wanna grow up to be just like them
Smugglers , scrambles , burglars , gamblers
Pickpockets , peddlers and even pan-handlers
You say Im cool, Im no fool
But then you wind up dropping out of high school
Now youre unemployed , all null n void
Walking around like youre pretty boy floyd
Turned stickup kid , look what you done did
Got send up for a eight year bid
Now your man is took and youre a may tag
Spend the next two years as an undercover fag
Being used and abused , and served like hell
Till one day you was find hung dead in a cell
It was plain to see that your life was lost
You was cold and your body swung back and forth
But now your eyes sing the sad sad song
Of how you lived so fast and died so young

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Human Rights Just Got A Little Wronger


North Dakota just passed legislation that gives fertilized human eggs the same rights that we enjoy!! This includes the right to safely abort if the expectant egg mother feels that her future egg baby will become a pro-life activist.
Naturally, FOXnews and all the childless pro-life bloggers out there are jamming the first few search pages. We didn’t want to scavenge through the shit so we’re quoting from Yahoo. Sorry

From Yahoo:

A measure approved by the North Dakota House gives a fertilized human egg the legal rights of a human being, a step that would essentially ban abortion in the state. The bill is a direct challenge to Roe v. Wade, the U.S. Supreme Court decision that extended abortion rights nationwide, supporters of the legislation said.

We’re hoping that since law-makers have lost their minds, they will consider some of the stuff we want to be given human rights as well:


Dolphins: This is a pretty selfish request. Not selfish like as in personal self gain but more for universal dolphin lovers out there. If dolphins were considered human it would justify a large number of peoples obsession with them. Also, intimacy would be less shameful but continue to be awkward.

1995 Honda Civic: Last year the 1998 Honda Civic was the most robbed car in America. It’s not that surprising, it’s pretty dope looking! If the Civic was allowed the same rights that we have, it would deter thieves from stealing it by bumping up the possible punishment from larceny to kidnapping. Oh, they can only live to 14.

Fatty Foods: This one is for all you ladies out there who are trying everything to loose those pounds. We know how you feel, you go girl!!!! Following the same type of ethical persuasion as the Honda Accord, if fatty foods were considered humans then eating them would be considered cannibalism. Naturally, you only eat humans when your stranded, or something, so the pounds would come off. Oh Yeah!!!

Iraqis: We hope you can infer the problem here. While we’re only wishing, lets throw in Palestinians as well.

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TV ON THE INTERNET : Daniel Clowes

Leave it up to the British to turn all of our pleasures into an academic deconstruction while introducing terms like “banal insularity”. We’re insular because if we had shows like this on our American TV sets, a shitload of crock TV producers would be hanging themselves.
We jizz with happiness when we find something on YouTube that we like. Sadly, we are quickly reminded that we’re so starved for quality content on TV, we’ve had to reprogram our neurons in order to conform to watching the bulk of our media on the internet.
In “Secret of Drawing”, Art Historian and 100% BBC ALPHA MALE( see Top Gear’s uber-cock Jeremy Clarkson for further proof ), Andrew Graham-Dixon pastes together a psychological profile of selected artists as the significance of their “visual language” is discussed.
In this episode we get to see Daniel Clowes work on further molding the stereotype that all great contemporary graphic novelists a) suffer from some psychological malaise, b) have decided to dedicate their lives to a medium that will never give them the happiness that they need and that only makes them further obsessed on c) a period of time ( the 60’s/70’s for Clowes or for Ware early 20th Century) they think was better but d) don’t realize they would be miserable even if they lived in that period.

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VALENTINES DAY EXCLUSIVE: CATS + BABIES+WEBCAMS = 100% LONELINESS AMONG INTERNET USERS

Warning: The Following breaks every principle in David Denby’s treatise against haterdom, “Snark”

Happy Valentines Day Folks!
We’ve decided to highlight three of the things that have made the internet–or friend-box as we’ve come to call it– the bastion of lonely people of all ages,colors, and D&D character classes. So if your reading, give your self a pat on the back: chances are there is no one else to do it for you.

1) CATS

I HAVE MORE SELF-ESTEEM THAN YOU

I HAVE MORE SELF-ESTEEM THAN YOU

When God created Photoshop it was only to complete a camera-cat-words triangle so that socially awkward and desperate people across the universe could anthropomorphize cats into what they always knew they were: smarter, better fed, and more articulate versions of themselves.

2)VIDEOS OF BABIES


Does this kid have 76 million relatives? You could have wiped the tears from your face, put the leash on the cat, and went and found your own child to kidnap already.

3) WEB CAMERAS

YOU CAN TELL ME

YOU CAN TELL ME


Web Cameras make us long for the day when you stuck to telling your deep and always boring secrets to the only gay guy in your whole town, or that prisoner pen-pal who was embezzling from you! With the advent of the web-cam comes proof that lonely people do not want company or companionship, only yearn to be lonely in front of millions of people.

Well, We’ve got to go and work on that crochet pillow we’ve been putting off.. Once again, Happy Valentines!!!

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